8/29/18

• I have a neurological issue (I think).  Loud chitter chatter drives me insane. I went to Seasons of Japan for dinner and a girl's softball team was there. It was wasn't only the girls but the mom's who were really annoying. I realize that they have every right to be there. They were annoying, entirely ruined my dinner alone.
• The air conditioner in my car was fixed today. It cannot be emphasized enough how my quality of life was suffering. I've been boiling alive in my car since last year. 
• I am pretty sure that I have sleep apnea and I refuse to be diagnosed with it.. I'll be damned but somehow I have to lose weight. I think the weight gain is causing so many issues. I HAVE to get my health under control. I never seem to go to work prepared and I'm always so sleepy in the morning. If I could figure out a system. Meanwhile nothing healthy is happening. I am so very aggravated and even sad about the whole thing.  
• Work is great. I don't think I've ever been so pleased. Plus I have long time friends with me all day. It's supportive. I'm so thankful to finally not be absolutely miserable at work. 
• Now that I don't hate my job and as of today I will not be boiling alive in my car maybe this will be the pivotal moment for change.
• I have the overwhelming desire to buy a used flannel shirt online. Part of me feels like it would be a frivolous purchase. 
• I need to order glasses too. I keep forgetting. 

8/27/18

•  I saw Blackkklansman last night. It was excellent.
• I have al anon tomorrow and I need it.
• I should have went to the gym today but I felt bad all day with a stomach (gallbladder) issue and I'm resting. Sounds lame I know.
• I'm determined to not let anyone get me down. 

8/23/18

• It's been a crazy week.
• I am tired.
• Trying to distract myself from negative thinking. 

8/19/2018

These are not so much random thoughts but more or less venting.

I am stronger than you because.

• I don't need constant attention and validation to love myself. I love myself no matter who I am around or how much attention they are showing me. I don't need attention seeking behaviors to make myself feel good.
• I don't need to use drugs to escape my life. I have looked my personal issues and mental defects straight in the eye and faced them. I'm admitting I'm not perfect. However, I have taught myself through hard work to face my emotions. Feel them. I don't need to hide from them. 
• I have the capability to be honest and loyal. I have insecure moments and I like attention just like anyone does but I know where to draw the line. I know what is inappropriate and what is not. I can be loyal. I am capable of it.
• I don't lie about everything under the sun. Yes, I do tell little white lies. Usually they are really dumb things. But I don't lie just to lie. I don't lie just because the sun is up. I'm just saying. When you are around someone that lies about stupid stuff. Lies about important stuff. Tells tall tales that you worry that a lightening bolt is going to pop out of the sky and kill them instantly. I don't get the lying. I'm stronger than you because I don't need a fantasy world to prop myself up with. I don't care what people think of me. I just don't care. I don't need to lie. 

Honestly the lying is such a mystery to me. 

8/19/18

Today's victory is being in control of my emotions. I have been yelled at. I've had my things thrown to the ground. I have had to go in a coffee shop for safety. And as bad as those things sound... the truth is. I still feel strong.  I know it all sounds really off but I feel good because I am in control of my emotions. I was determined to have a productive day today and I did. I've lost about 3 pounds which is insignificant seeing how I need to lose another 50 to be in a normal weight range. At least I am on a plan and I am following through. Following through feels good. I'm not going to let anyone take that away from me.

I am tenacious.

8/19/18

• so far so good as far as how my day is going
• Took the dogs for a ride around town. 
• Picked up Adous Huxley's Brave New World from a little free library down the road. 
• I talked to the Starbucks barista about the caffeine content of their new protein drinks. I bought one this last week and it gave me tremors from the caffeine. Barista dude said yeah they do have a lot of caffeine. And I was like ... yeah jacked up. 

8/18/2018

These are my daily thoughts that are not facebook/instagram worthy.

My random thoughts:

Today's thoughts.

• I love the word astounding and I need to use it more often.
• Walking at night might be dangerous.
• My recipes never look like they are supposed to.
• I want to see BlackKKKlansman.
• I do too much looking at the past. Stop that.
• I need to write in my journal today.
• Damn my hair looks good (finally). Not sure if it's the color or finally conditioned.
• I could go to Del Sur about once a week and be happy.