9/1/2018

Are you familiar with the acronym JADE? It’s a reminder to not justify, argue, defend, and explain.

If you’re you repeatedly drawn into conversations or arguments that seem to go nowhere, feel compelled to respond to accusations that you know are false, or feel like you have to justify your behavior or choices to a “difficult” family member, please read on to learn about JADE.

Codependency and unhealthy communication

Codependent relationships often feel “stuck”. Unhealthy communication and relationship patterns get set and we seem to replay them over and over again even though they don’t work.

If you’re an adult child of an alcoholic (ACA) or grew up in a “dysfunctional” family, you probably witnessed ineffective (or even hurtful) communication patterns as a child that were characterized by arguing, blaming, denying, and dishonesty. Unfortunately, most of us tend to repeat the communication patterns we learned in childhood – the ones we’re familiar with and that we observed.

Codependent traits generally develop as a way to cope with trauma and often include high levels of shame, the feeling that we’re flawed and inadequate, low-levels of self-esteem, difficulty trusting, wanting to please others and keep the peace, perfectionism, and wanting to feel in control. These traits contribute to our compulsive need to take care of or “fix” other people’s problems, prove our self-worth, and please others. And our fears of being inadequate and rejected, lead us into destructive communication patterns in which we feel we must justify, argue, defend, and over explain ourselves. Practicing loving detachment is a healthier alternative.

JADE is an Al-Anon 12-step slogan that reminds us not to engage in justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining.

Justifying. We feel like we have to justify our behavior and choices because it’s very painful for us, as codependents, to have others upset with us. The bottom line is you don’t owe anyone an explanation or reason for your choices. And if you do give one, people who are bullies or narcissists will try to use it against you. Don’t give them this ammunition.

Arguing. In this context, arguing doesn’t just mean disagreeing (which is a normal part of a healthy relationship), it refers to yelling, name-calling, rehashing the same disagreements repeatedly without resolution, or blaming. This type of arguing doesn’t resolve problems or help you understand others better; it generally creates a bigger wedge between you and others.

Defending. When you feel attacked, it’s natural to want to defend yourself. And while I whole-heartedly believe in assertively standing up for yourself, you have to know who and what you’re dealing with. Sometimes, verbal attacks are manipulations or ploys to get a rise out of you. They’re part of a recurring destructive pattern to draw you into an argument. Codependents tend to be sensitive and it’s especially hard for us to choose not to respond or defend ourselves.

Explaining. We tend to over-explain ourselves because we’re afraid of upsetting others and we don’t feel it’s valid for us to make our own choices or do things for ourselves. Because we’re very afraid of rejection and criticism, we over-explain ourselves in order to prove that it’s acceptable for us to set boundaries, spend money on ourselves, or even make a mistake.