9/01/2018

How to detach without justifying, arguing, denying, or explaining

Detaching can help you if you feel guilty when you set boundaries, get stuck in people-pleasing, or have a family member who bullies or pushes your buttons. Detaching is a way of responding that allows you to focus on what you can control, take care of yourself, and let go of trying to control what others do or what they think of you.

Pick your battles. Recognize that you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. In other words, you don’t have to participate; you don’t have to take the bait. It helps to identify and be aware of how others push your buttons. What words or topics tend to set you off or compel you to justify, argue, defend or explain? Knowing this gives you the power to see these traps and learn to respond differently (or not at all). Sometimes it helps to directly state, “I’m not interested in arguing with you” and either change the subject or walk away.

Respond rather than react. Before you say or do anything, take time to collect yourself and think about how you want to respond rather than just impulsively reacting in the same old ways. This takes a lot of practice, of course. It can help to have something (perhaps a mantra or a small object in your pocket to ground you) to remind you of your goal to slow down and think before acting. Mentally rehearsing your desired response to antagonizers can also make it easier to respond differently in the heat of the moment.

Listen to your own feelings. Use your feelings to guide your decisions. When feelings of anger, resentment, fear, discomfort, or mistrust show up they are letting you know that something is off and you need to switch paths. I think we all have a gut feeling about what’s right and what’s wrong for us; we just need to listen to it! If you’re not used to noticing your feelings, make time to purposefully ask yourself how you’re feeling throughout the day. Also, remember that feelings can show up in your body. So, if your muscles are tense or your stomach is upset, it’s also a good time to check-in on your feelings.

Focus on what you can control. One of the keys to breaking codependent patterns and not justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining is to focus on your behavior and choices. We often get distracted by our desire to change and control others. This is not only futile, but it draws us away from what we can control – and controlling ourselves is where our power resides.

Take care of yourself. Tending to your basic needs (eating healthy food, drinking enough water, getting enough rest and sleep, exercising, connecting with positive people, processing your feelings and giving them a healthy outlet, practicing your religious or spiritual beliefs, etc.) can make a huge impact on your mood and energy. It’s much easier to hold your tongue, leave the room, choose to do something different, set a boundary, or detach when you’re at your best physically and emotionally.

Learning to not justify, argue, defend, and explain (JADE) can bring more peace to your life. It also helps to break ineffective and hurtful communication patterns. Begin today by making a choice to respond in a different way and remind yourself that it’s OK to consider your own needs, set boundaries, and detach when necessary.